What’s it like living with depression?
Some of you will have read my blog a few months ago about habits to help beat depression. You’ll know that this year I’ve had to face the challenge of living with depression for the first time in my life really. I thought I’d share with you a little about what it’s like so that you might better understand and be able to help others you know who will experience it. Of course, these are just my experiences and everyone is different so always bear that in mind and remember three things… 1) Nobody is defined by an illness, no matter what it is. They are not the illness, they are still themselves, they just happen to have a condition 2) Listen – never presume you know what it’s like, even if you’ve been through it yourself. Each person’s experience is different, so take time to listen to them 3) Ask – find out from them how you can best help and be patient, they won’t always know the answer straight away. What is it like for me? Let’s start with what it’s not – it isn’t a constant thing, it comes and goes, sometimes suddenly, sometimes creeping up over days. Sometimes it lasts a few hours, sometimes it lasts a few days. Many days it isn’t there at all whilst on others it’s ever-present It also isn’t feeling sad, down or upset, rather it’s feeling empty, lacking in my usual drive to get on and do things which for me is a weird experience. All of my life has always been so driven thinking about my next work or exercise challenge, pushing myself to the next level. But when I feel like this, it’s a challenge to do more than a few hours of work each day, it exhausts me. Many people I’ve worked with find it hard to get the motivation to exercise when they feel this way; for me it’s the complete opposite – the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other or jut turning those pedals appeals greatly, it’s the effort of thinking for work that’s the real challenge Some people might say ‘but you know how to deal with this as it’s you job to help people, so why don’t you just do the things you should and snap out of it?’ It doesn’t quite work like that; depression has many causes and the habits I talk about in balance are just one part of the process of recovery. They definitely help, I know they do – I exercise, I eat well, I drink very little and I don’t smoke or do drugs and all of these habits make me feel good The one area I have struggled with is socialising – it’s a strange contradiction as you know that being around people is good for you, yet the malaise you feel makes it hard for you to get out there. Withdrawal is a common challenge in depression and I’ve not quite worked out how to overcome this one yet. I find myself deliberately waiting in bed until my housemate has gone to work, not wanting to communicate. I think you also sometimes don’t want to be seen when you’re not on top of your game, or maybe that’s just me because I think I feel the pressure to always be energised and positive because of what I do That pressure to be ‘Mr Balance’ is a bigger one for me than I’d ever thought it would be. One of the main points of balance is that none of us is perfect, myself included – we all have days where we can’t be bothered to exercise, where we make poorer food choices, where we don’t feel perfectly balanced, but I’ve felt more expectation on me in recent times to be ‘perfect’. As an example, I recently posted a little rant on my personal page as I was just frustrated with the state of the world and with many people – I wasn’t feeling depressed or down that day, it’s normal to have a balance of emotions. We should feel positive, happy and energised at times, whilst at others we might feel anxious, sad or tired; most of the time we’ll probably just sit somewhere in the middle feeling not very much at all. For whatever reason, my whinge led to many well-meaning checks that I was ok – I guess it’s my own fault having created the persona of balance. Funnily enough, it was this that actually made me feel down that day, as if I was expected to be Mother Theresa or Nelson Mandela (and I don’t look like either of them…yet). I started this short blog piece with some suggestions about things you should do with those challenged by depression, so I’ll finish with some considerations for what not to do: 1) I probably wouldn’t ask if they’re ok – they’re not right now. Instead, treat them as you normally would – talk about football, Love Island, the annoying lady at work, just be how you always are with them 2) Don’t make suggestions – ‘why don’t you…’ or ‘have you tried…’ aren’t always what’s required. As I said at the start, listen to them if and when they want to talk and then ask what would be most helpful for them. Have a balanced week all (and remember, that means ups, downs and just fair to middling). Paul
Habits to help beat depression
I’ve given many sessions over the years on mental health and wellbeing; it’s part of the courses I teach to Personal Trainers and I’m often asked to talk on the topic in workplaces too. I’ve written articles on it and done numerous pieces on social media, and in all of them, I’ve always argued that the statistic that 1 in 4 of us suffer mental health issues is just plain wrong. It’s undeniably 4 in 4; we all face challenges at some point or another, we don’t have or not have mental health problems, they simply slide up and down a scale. Sometimes we cope with them comfortably, at other times it’s harder. In recent times, I’ve experienced what it’s like to be much further along that scale, challenged to the point that on some days it has gotten the better of me and I’ve felt unable to defeat it. Other days haven’t been so bad, and some have started well and got harder or started badly and become easier. I guess that’s the thing about it; the scale can move constantly. What I have had to do though is to use my resources, the knowledge I have about things that might just help me move to a better place on the scale and bit by bit, I’ve found myself moving in the right direction again, back towards a better balance. Here are some of those things that have worked for me… 1) Do something small One of the most powerful things about depression is its ability to leave you feeling flat, paralysed, unable to do anything. Even the most mundane of tasks can seem like a challenge and you can experience whole days unable to get anything done. At this point, setting big, challenging goals might not be the best idea as they’ll often take sustained effort and it’s easy to lose motivation along the way, even when you manage to have a good day or even a good few days. Try instead using micro-goals, tiny stepping stone challenges you can set yourself to provide a sense of achievement. The great thing about achieving things, however small, is that your brain recognises it and fires off pleasure-giving chemicals as a reward. That’s why when people make lists, they put things on they’ve already done so they can tick them off straight away and get the feel-good factor response! This reminded me of the ‘making your bed’ speech from the US Navy Admiral that went viral in recent times. His point is very clear, start small and take it one step at a time. If you have five minutes and you’ve never seen it, I’ve included it below for you. It’s well worth a watch.
Why we ALL have mental health problems…and what we can do about it
Mental wellbeing – more grey than black and white According to recent statistics, one in four people in the UK experiences mental health problems, or rather, one in four of us gets diagnosed with mental health problems. What if though, WE ALL suffered from mental health issues? In times gone by, you’d often hear talk of ‘mental illness’ and the simplified notion was that you were mentally ill or not. In reality, it’s just not that simple. In the same way that physical health sits on a sliding scale, with excellent at one end and well, to put it bluntly, at death’s door at the other, mental wellbeing can also be imagined on a continuum. It can fluctuate towards better or worse mental health and wellbeing on a weekly, daily and even hourly basis. And it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do, where you live or how much money you earn, it does affect you. There are of course differences between us, with some more at risk of sliding the wrong way along the scale due to genetic influences and uncontrollable life circumstances, but there are also many actions most definitely within your control that affect where you are on the continuum at any one time. It is these behaviours that form the focus of this blog piece and that are the target when I work with individual clients or when helping larger number of people through employee wellbeing initiatives. A few principles of mental wellbeing When you think of mental health challenges, you might often conjure up words like stress, depression and anxiety. You may imagine these to be bad, and they certainly can be, but that’s not always the case. Stress can be very good; imagine a lion escapes from the local zoo and appears on your driveway. The stress response that enables you to quickly run inside and shut the door is very helpful! Equally, exercise is a stress on your body; you know the saying ‘no pain, no gain’ or as I prefer to say, ‘no challenge, no change’, meaning that you only get fitter when you put your body under stress. Too little stress from exercise and you become unfit and unhealthy, too much and again you can get problems. It’s all about finding the right balance for you. Depression and anxiety can have their place too; it’s normal to grieve for a lost loved one and part of the healing process, and it’s absolutely fine to be anxious about a big exam or interview, in fact science is quite clear that, up to a point it raises performance. The problems occur when the stress, anxiety or depression become too much, too severe and also when they go on continuously. Mental wellbeing is present when you have a healthy balance of emotions but if the balance is tipped too far, we can have issues. One of the big difficulties about recognising mental health problems is that for each of us, these issues can be different. This definition of stress by Hans Selye, a scientist famous for his work in this area in the mid-20th century, helps to explain this: “Stress is the non-specific response of an individual to any demand for change.” What he was saying is that stress could be caused by a multitude of things, basically anything that calls for adaptation from a person. A new form to fill in at work, a house move, changes in job circumstances, a closed road meaning you must drive somewhere unknown or any other number of stressors. He was also saying that the way in which we all respond to this stress is unique. There might be a physical response like increased heart rate, sweating or trembling, or a mental response and for some that stress may bring about good changes whilst for others it might cause issues. This is what makes mental health problems so hard to recognise and understand. When you get stressed you may lose your appetite, whilst another may comfort eat. One might withdraw from their social circle whilst another might go out and party hard. One person may present with physical symptoms like poor skin or a raised blood pressure, whilst another may suffer psychologically. Always bear these two points in mind when thinking about mental health and wellbeing: 1) What leads to stress, depression or anxiety for one person may not for another. The triggers for each individual are unique; it doesn’t mean they are weak or ‘that’s just them’, it’s a complex interplay of genetics, previous experiences and all of the things that are going on in someone’s life at any one time. I’ve heard a number of times in a work setting, ‘How can they be signed off with stress? I do the same job as them and I’m fine.’ It simply doesn’t work like that. 2) The unique response of each individual to mental health pressures can make them hard to recognise. It’s generally impossible to look at someone and see a mental health problem. Again I’ve heard lines like ‘Well they didn’t look/seem ill to me’ when referring to colleagues signed off work, but as we’ve seen above, how the issue shows itself can differ from person to person and over time. Doctors will weigh up all of the signs and symptoms when making a diagnosis; sleep patterns, energy levels, mood, behavioural changes, appetite, thought processes and physical checks of heart rate and blood pressure are just a few of the areas that are factored in. Load and resilience Your mental health and wellbeing can be influenced by two major factors; firstly, how much load or stress you are faced with at any one time. In the picture above, this is represented by the jug of water…the more that gets poured in the greater the challenge for you. The second is your ability to cope with these challenges, known as your resilience, represented by the glass. If you reach the point where you’ve
